I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
You Might Also Like
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i