❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
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[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”