In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
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2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song