Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
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The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Google reviews are always so mixed..
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Every time.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.