Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
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I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
my one true gender
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
this is one of the best threads in twitter history