My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
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Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.