coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
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how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer