*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
How long do you have to wait between naps?