How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
can’t catch a break
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.