i was baptized in a car wash
You Might Also Like
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
“I’m helping” 😅
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend