No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
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do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
The sacred texts.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on