Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
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My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Raisins are grape jerky.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Word!
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.