me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
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[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.