*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
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It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target