me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
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The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Feels like there should be a middle ground
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
True
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
#titanic
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.