BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
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Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Jesus Christ lmao
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.