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OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.