Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
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The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”