After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
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No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
A Match(.com), but for socks.