It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
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“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person