I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
You Might Also Like
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
We’ve all been there…
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Liquor Store Parking
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Watermelon Boss!
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.