Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
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[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
The options really are this bad
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.