Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
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Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.