Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
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2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
#merica
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down