I just died 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford鈥檚 cousin
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
58.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I鈥檓 sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I鈥檓 72