Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
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A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”