WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
❤️❤️❤️
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
May never get over this
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.