I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
You Might Also Like
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Well well well…
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning