genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
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Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean