Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Worth remembering.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.