dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
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My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse