Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
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Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*