Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
You Might Also Like
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
So we got a goldfish…
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down