When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
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I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Bro what is this
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Breaking news:
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]