[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
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#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
My birthstone is kidney
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday