My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
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we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Raisins are grape jerky.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him