It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
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After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Worth remembering.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
rapatouille
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*