Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
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Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds