if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
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the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Lucky for them, they’re cute
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard