Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
You Might Also Like
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..