I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
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Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Finally, an explanation.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
inappropriate Care Bears be like: