Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
Tremendous stuff
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams