“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
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[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Cow it started Cow it’s going
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.