[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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I need this for my side hustle.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine