one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
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Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Oh my God.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Sticker placement is key.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony