Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
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Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??