Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
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*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?