I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
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The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.