When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
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I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
so much to do
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
This dude got his own movie?
Free him
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Room with a view.