I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
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When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Waiting for the Charmin
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?